Assertive Communication

Written by Brittany Barnes, M.A., LPC, Certified Sex Therapist- Candidate

Licensed Professional Counselor

When we practice assertive communication, we are implementing our boundaries.  With this practice, we state what we need and want in a clear and concise way.  It is important for us to take responsibility for our emotions and express them.  A way to practice this is by using “I feel” statements.  If we are having difficulties knowing what to say, taking a time-out to gather our thoughts can be helpful.  During the time-out, write down thoughts, feelings, wants and needs.  This can help us to feel more organized with our thoughts as well as give us a moment to ground ourselves if we are feeling flooded.  Remembering that both of our feelings are valid in the communication exchange is important to maintaining respect for one another.  Perspectives may be different and that is okay.  Practice avoiding absolute terms because we tend to build our cases as to when the “always” or “never” was not true, and we want to try to decrease defensiveness during assertive communication.  We also want to use an appropriate speaking volume, steady and respectful tone of voice and eye contact when being assertive with our communication.  During the assertive communication exchange, utilize reflections after actively listening to each other without interruptions.  Reflecting back what we hear the other saying can help us feel more understood, connected and supported.  We can use phrases such as “I hear you saying you feel __ because __.”  This provides us with the opportunity for clarifications and deeper meanings.  Lastly, when we are using assertive communication, it is okay to say “no.”  This is another example of practicing our boundaries.  Saying no does not have to be an aggressive or passive way to communicate.  It can be healthy and needed for us to say no.  Stating what makes us comfortable or uncomfortable is a way for us to assertive our boundaries.  Being assertive while communicating can help improve our self-esteem because practicing our boundaries is a form of self-care.  It can help decrease resentment, defensiveness and contempt within ourselves and towards others.  I gently challenge you to try at least one assertive communication technique this week and reflect upon how you feel before, during and after the dialogue exchange.         

If you are struggling with assertive communication, contact us for a free consultation to see if adult therapy with Heights Family Counseling could be a good fit for you.