2020; One Therapist's Reflections
Written by Amy Rollo, M.A., LSSP, LPA, LPC-S
“This is fine” (insert meme of cute dog sipping coffee with fire surrounding it). I think I sent this meme to different members of the HFC team at least half a dozen times throughout the pandemic with tears running down my face from laughter like I was losing it… Maybe I was losing it. Humor is my coping skill and while my own therapist may disapprove of it at times, it really has helped me survive the pandemic.
I’ve done lots of reflecting of this year as 2020 is, thank God, about to be in the rearview mirror. It’s weird because most of my reflections show that 2020 hasn’t been that bad. This is likely the survivor and resiliency in me coming out, or the mere fact that hope is coming in the form of a vaccine, either way, I wanted to share some thoughts of my reflections.
Humans are never happy- hear me out on this one. We are literally never happy enough. Psychological experiments show that humans consistently live around a 7 on a scale of 1-10 of happiness. We have brief dips and peaks but tend to gravitate toward the 7 during good and bad times. This means we never truly feel life is good enough because we are always hoping that life could be better. For instance, you get a promotion, you start to feel upset because the salary wasn’t enough, you get a raise and you wonder what your co-worker received, we get a vaccine, but you grumble that it takes too long to reach everyone. Humans consistently are looking for things not to be happy with- reasons not to move the happiness meter up from a 7. This means when life is bad, the small things don’t bother us as much. However, when life is good, the small things suddenly feel bigger. So, you might be wondering what the point of this information is. Well, we had a really sh&tty year for mankind. More deaths in our history since 1918 (I’ll let you guys see that connection). Guess what this means… We now have the ability to focus on not letting the small things get to us this year. We can be happy with what we have. Gratitude can become easier. So maybe we didn’t take a vacation, or completed much of our 2020 goals list, but all of a sudden survival feels pretty dang good. Our brains right now are trained not to sweat the small stuff. Let’s use this period to help keep our brains here. Get a gratitude journal, focus on what really matters and practice some freaking mindfulness so you are living in the here and now, and not just the future.
I didn’t really like my old life- This reflection is a half-truth. If you would have asked me in 2019 if I liked my life, I would have shouted, “Hell yes I do!” I was running around like a crazy person- working nonstop, mom duties, sports for the kids on the weekends, finishing my doc program, and so many goals! I was like a motor that couldn’t stop moving. I thought I LOVED it. Then it came to a complete halt and a part of me is fearful of having all of that back. My kids have been home since March and while it was an adjustment for them as well we sort of have a beautiful routine. We spend A LOT of time at home and instead of huge trips to Hawaii, weekend adventures to water parks, and nonstop trips for fun, we go for long bike rides, walk the dog, play board games, and read. I realized I kind of like the slower and easier pace. I have reflected on what I want my new life to look like, and it’s going to be a slower pace, with some of those much-missed beach trips thrown in.
I’ve been talking with my clients a lot lately about the things they want to keep in our post pandemic life. Maybe it’s a slower pace, less rushing, or saying “no” to all the social requests. While many of us are having a hard time during the pandemic, there are things we can appreciate.
I need to stop “should-ing” on myself- So should-ing on yourself is actually a real phrase in the world of psychology. It’s a phenomenon where we get stuck thinking something should go a certain way. I did it A LOT when this started. I was actually about to purchase land for our new office space the week the pandemic started and the whole world shut-down. I made the decision that this wasn’t the right time to make such a big purchase, especially since we had all switched to telehealth. I kept thinking to myself, “this isn’t the way this year was supposed to go.” I wanted to will or work my way back to the reality I wanted, while completely ignoring the reality of 2020. At some point, I found my radical acceptance, of “this isn’t what I wanted, but this is our reality.” This is when the good stuff started happening, as I wasn’t stuck in the past, or anxious about the future, I was finally back in control (where I am most comfortable, lol). This is when we can adapt and where our resiliency can shine through. We didn’t build our dream office off of prime real estate in the Heights, but we took over the suite across the hall and I realized we would have already out-grown the new purchase with all our new therapist growth! My should-ing kept me in a negative spiral, and when I got out of it, I saw opportunity. Being able to adapt to difficult experiences is what differentiates the happy from the never happy enough, the great from the good, and the people that make the most out of their life.
I’ll be honest, I started this blog before 2021. I didn’t know at the time of the Capitol riots, news of new mutations taking over, or any other fun 2021 adventures. However, I feel like this blog is even more needed. 2020 didn’t happen in a vacuum. A lot of really ugly things happened in our country, and my systems family therapist self realizes that all the really ugly things we had been sweeping under the rug for so long finally surfaced and, man, was it a lot- a lot of hurts that have been here all along.
I’m not sure how this blog will age, as I’m not sure what we have in store for us this 2021. Yet, I know we can get through it together. Be thankful for what you have and stop focusing on what isn’t going right. Figure out what you want to take with you from this pandemic era and stop should-ing all over yourself.
Sending love, care, and wellness. It’s been a year of pain, grief, fear, and adaptation. I’m right here with you in the crazy adventure we call life. Let’s make the most of it together.
If you feel you could benefit from life transitions counseling, please contact us to set up a free consultation.
Amy Rollo is a triple licensed psychotherapist. She owns a large group practice located in Houston, Texas. Amy holds a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology from Texas A&M University and a Master’s degree in Clinical and Counseling Psychology from Southern Methodist University. She is currently completing her dissertation in the field of Marriage and Family Therapy. Amy specializes in family and relationship issues, with over 15 years of experience in play therapy, parent support, work/life balance, and marriage counseling. Amy is an avid blogger and writes for many national mental health and parenting blogs, including HuffPost in the UK and in the United States. Her company's blog, https://heightsfamilycounseling.com/blog, has been named Top 100 Counseling Blogs and Websites for Counselors in 2020. Read her bio here https://heightsfamilycounseling.com/team/amy-rollo