How Can I Get "Unstuck" During Major Life Transitions

Written by Amy Rollo, M.A., LPA, LSSP, LPC-S

Owner, Heights Family Counseling

Who else feels a bit of pressure during a life transition and just freezes? I remember at the start of the pandemic, while the world was shutting down, I kept feeling paralyzed. Here I was the owner and decision-maker of my practice, and every decision felt overwhelming. This was different from my past self, who tended to work harder the more stressed I felt. However, the pandemic was different and brought out a different response since it was such a jolting life transition. All of a sudden, every move and decision felt overwhelming. I caught myself escaping through binging Netflix, sharing a bottle of wine, or anything else that felt unproductive. The funny thing is the more I talked to clients, the more I realized this freeze response wasn’t just me. So many of us were doing these same things- which goes to show how shows like Tiger King became instant hits during this odd time in history. We were all looking for a place to escape during this very scary life transition.

 The scientific term for this response is the “freeze” response. Most people are aware of the fight or flight response but forget about the freeze response. The polyvagal theory looks in-depth into the “fight, flight, freeze” responses, and how the autonomic nervous system responds to each of these phases. 

When we think about the freeze response, we need to understand the dorsal vagal or in other words, the “primitive vagus.” It is the oldest part of the autonomic nervous system, as well as a branch of the parasympathetic nervous system. As an ancient survival mechanism, its main function is to conserve energy through collapse and shutdown- it even helps with digestion! This shut down or freeze response, while irritating while you are experiencing it, actually serves a purpose. For instance, it can help rescue from intense pain during a traumatic event through dissociation. This is why your memory can be poor during traumatic events or even the retelling of them. Dissociation, while sounding scary, is actually a coping mechanism to help deal with really painful and traumatic experiences. The dorsal vagal pathway responds to extreme danger and uses the strategy of stillness for survival in order to conserve energy. This is why during life transitions, such as a divorce, job change, or even a pandemic, we can feel frozen. The times we feel like we need the most action, are sometimes the times that we shut down the most- we are conserving energy in order to take action later or even to merely survive. Dorsal vagal to the “rescue!” It is just responding to our fear and stress.  

So now that we know what is happening when we freeze during major life transitions, “what can we do to help,” you might be wondering! Coregulation can do wonders. The ventral vagus becomes activated during therapy or even time spent feeling connected to a loved one, as you become co-regulated. During this time, the heart rate lowers, eyes soften, and there is a kindness in the voice. In nonclinical terms, it helps us feel less frozen.

Deep breathing is another way to self-soothe in order to help the body slowly come out of the freeze response. I tend to recommend at least 5-15 minutes of mindfulness and/or meditation a day for my clients. This can be through yoga, deep breathing, guided meditation, or even a long run.

Another way to help is to acknowledge that you are stuck in a freeze response and feeling scared. When we go through a life transition, such as a divorce, it can be scary. Name all the emotions you are feeling, write them down, and process them in a journal and/or therapy. The mere act of naming our emotions can make us feel more in control of them. In other words, name it to tame it.

There are many transition periods in life. Sometimes they can bring us to action (AKA fight or flight), think getting a new haircut after a breakup. However, sometimes they can bring on the freeze response. Please be compassionate during this response, remember it is designed to protect you. Try daily meditation, co-regulating, and naming your emotions. Observe the response without judgment and know, this, too, shall pass. You have some skills to get through this and it is normal for life transitions to feel scary.

If you are wanting more support as you go through a life transition. Don’t hesitate to reach out! Consider Counseling for Life Transitions:

If you're struggling, counseling is a great way to discover new coping skills. A skilled therapist can help you find meaning and purpose, improve your mood, and achieve goals. At Heights Family Counseling, we offer online and in-person counseling. So, you feel comfortable receiving services during the pandemic. You can work with a therapist from the comfort of your surroundings at a time that works well for you.

BEGIN Life Transition AND INDIVIDUAL COUNSELING IN HOUSTON, TX: 

Our team of skilled therapists are passionate about helping you build the life you are searching for. We are value-driven and help people navigate life to make sense of their story and ensure they are creating meaning and purpose in their lives. We would be honored to work with you. Follow these steps to begin counseling in Houston, TX or online therapy in Texas:

1.    Contact our counseling clinic to set up a free phone consultation

2.    Meet with one of our  therapists

3.    Begin life transition therapy