It's Not Enough For Your Therapist to Just Be Nice

Written by Helena Lorenz, M.S.W., LMSW

 

We are currently living an age that I like to the call the “Mental Health Renaissance”. Everywhere you turn in popular media, there seems to be more and more discussion about mental health and mental illness. And as a therapist and a longtime recipient of therapy myself, I think it is a beautiful thing to see. The less taboo we can make the subject, the more people will reach out and get the help they need, and the research seems to be bearing that out! Since data on the subject started being collected in 2004, there has been a steady increase every single year of Americans seeking therapy, and we don’t even have definitive numbers on the surge in clients that we know occurred in 2020. And hey, maybe you are even one of the newbies! One of many who has been spurred on by this last tumultuous year take a hard look at your own mental wellbeing. If that is the case and you are new to the therapy rodeo, welcome! We are thrilled to have you in the self-care club!

You will soon find that there is SO much to be learned and processed along this journey (I have been in therapy for 8 years and studied psychology for 6 years, and I still learn new things every single day). But before you embark on this momentous journey of self-discovery, I want to make sure that one thing is very clear from the start if you are just beginning your journey toward finding the right therapist: It is not enough for your therapist to just be “nice”. Good, effective therapy involves tapping into something deeper and more powerful than pleasantness and politeness. I’ll explain.

As more and more people seek out therapy as a way of investing in themselves and their future happiness, I have noticed a phenomenon amongst a few of my friends and family members. When they bring up their recent therapy experience with me, many will say something along the lines of, “My therapist is certainly nice. I’m not really sure if they really get where I’m coming from, and I kind of don’t know what we’re doing every week, but they really are very nice.” As a therapist, I recognize that this sentiment can be a sign of a few different things.

Maybe the person receiving therapy is still a little wary of the process (maybe talking about their feelings every week is an intensely new concept), and they just need some time to warm up. This happens in a great many cases, and the therapist and client may eventually hit a great stride together. That said, this sort of sentiment can also be a sign that the therapist just isn’t the right fit, and that’s ok! It truly is not an indictment of the client or the therapist as a person (I don’t know if you’ve heard, but they really are perfectly nice). It just means that whatever style or flavor of therapy being offered just isn’t meeting the client’s current needs, and they deserve the opportunity to voice that grievance. As a client, you are spending good time and good money, all the while displaying an incredible amount of vulnerability, and you deserve the chance to reap the full benefits of this experience. You deserve a therapist who feels like they really get your struggle and they are ready to really do the work alongside you.

 So, what do you do if you come to the realization that your therapist is a nice person, but perhaps just not the person for you? First, if you feel comfortable and safe doing so, you can talk to your therapist about it! Many of us are trained in a variety of styles and can, within reason, be flexible about what we offer. Maybe we know of a different technique or school of thought that you might like to try instead, or maybe you discover you need a more tough-love approach and we can adjust our language to be more cut-to-the-chase. If your therapist is open to the conversation and feels like they can adjust, that’s great! Y’all can move forward from there, making sure to check-in periodically about progress and compatibility.

But let’s say that the thing that’s causing the lack of fit isn’t something the therapist can change. Maybe you’ve discovered that it’s actually really important to you that your therapist be a person of color or a member of the LGBTQIA+ community, so that they can fully relate to your particular experience. Maybe after a few sessions, you decide that you would really appreciate if your therapist had kids like you or shared your same political or religious affiliation. Or heck, maybe you realize you need your therapist to just have a totally different personality in order to be compatible. Those are obviously things that are beyond the therapist’s scope of control, and a sign that you should seek services with a different provider, one who more closely caters to your specific needs. From a therapeutic perspective, if you have been seeing this therapist for a while, we recommend that you request what’s called a termination session with your therapist. This final session, where you discuss the progress made thus far and what you hope to accomplish in the future, can help provide you with whatever closure you might need to finish this chapter with one practitioner and begin a new, better informed chapter with another.

However you decide to move forward, just know that you are in the drivers seat. You are in control of how your therapy experience progresses, and I’m proud of you for taking charge of your mental health journey!

Consider Therapy:

If you are looking for meaning in your life, therapy is a great way to heal and discover values and purpose. A skilled therapist can help you work through difficult life situations, help cope with stressors, and provide a safe outlet for emotional support. At Heights Family Counseling, we offer online and in-person adult therapy. So, you feel comfortable receiving services during the pandemic. You can work with a therapist from the comfort of your surroundings at a time that works well for you.

Begin Counseling in Houston, TX or San Antonio, TX: 

Our team of skilled therapists is passionate about helping you build the life you want. We are value-driven and help people navigate life to make sense of their stories. Together, we ensure they are creating meaning and purpose in their lives. We would love to work with you. Follow these steps to begin counseling in Houston, TX, or online therapy in Texas:

1.    Contact our counseling clinic to set up a free phone consultation

2.    Meet with one of our  therapists

3.    Begin adult therapy