For when the right words are hard to find…

 Written by Helena Lorenz, M.S.W, LMSW

Licensed Master Social Worker

The job of a therapist involves hearing, and sometimes vicariously experiencing, some of the most tragic and heart-rending facets of the human experience. People come to session with every kind of trauma imaginable, and it’s our job to receive it all with an empathetic ear and an open heart. But being on the receiving end of someone’s difficult or harrowing story is not an experience exclusive to therapists. It’s something we can all experience in our daily lives!

At any moment, someone in our orbit could be going through a rough time and needing a moment to unload. And while this can sometimes be a beautiful and healing experience from the jump, a lot of the times it can feel awkward or pressured because the person receiving the story feels put on the spot to have exactly the right words of comfort.

When a family member, friend, or co-worker opens up to us about something personal and intimate, we might feel a spotlight shining down on us, expecting us to come up with the ideal response which perfectly soothes the wounds and anxieties of the storyteller. We imagine ourselves to be our companion’s personal guru who needs to come up with the perfectly tailored solution to every issue. This simply too. much. pressure. And moreover, the weight of this anticipated awkwardness keeps us from being truly able to connect with the storyteller because we are too worried about what we are going to say next and no longer actively listening.

In light of this common quandary, here are a few tips from a therapist about how to offer consolation and connection without any of those unrealistic expectations.

1.     Remember that you are NOT responsible for solving the other’s person’s present problems or past trauma. It’s certainly possible that the person opening up to you is actively seeking your advice, but more often than not, the person is simply needing someone to listen. They want someone to perceive them in their pain and take their issues seriously. You are not their therapist and you are not superman, and that’s ok! Your empathy and acceptance are more than enough here.

2.     Don’t try to put a silver lining on their cloud. It’s a common reaction when someone appears to be in a tough spot to remind them of all the good that’s in their life or remind them how fortunate they are in other ways. This is perfectly understandable response because oftentimes we just want the other person to start feeling better as soon as possible. HOWEVER, this tactic of trying to get them to “look on the bright side” often backfires in a major way because it makes the storyteller feel invalidated and unheard. Let the person be sad/mad/frustrated/disappointed. Let that emotion take up the space in the conversation.

3.     Try to avoid talking about yourself and your problems, even if they feel similar to the storyteller’s. Another common mistake in these conversations is trying too hard to find common ground with the storyteller’s experience and in the process making the conversation all about ourselves. Remember who needs to be heard in this situation and only offer personal experience if the storyteller is actively seeking that out.

4.     Be flattered that you are someone this person feels comfortable sharing with! Remind yourself that this person wouldn’t be opening up to you in this way if they didn’t already perceive you as a safe space. They value what you bring to their relationship and see you as someone they can trust. How wonderful is that! See this as an opportunity to form deeper connection and see it as a positive mark of your character as a friend/family member/co-worker.

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