Ross and Rachel: “We were on a break!” What is Therapeutic Separation?
WRITTEN BY RACHAEL LINDBERG, M.S., LPC, SXI
PSYCHOTHERAPIST & BOARD CERTIFIED SEXOLOGIST
Considering separation or divorce is very difficult and something that we hope we never have to even think about when we choose to commit to someone. Separation and divorce are often accompanied by a variety of emotions including anger, sadness, grief, resentment, fear, and even relief and empowerment. Everyone’s experience is unique and complicated by their relationship history and individual circumstances. It takes important conversations to navigate the process of separation to establish boundaries and continue to manage household and parenting responsibilities. This will hopefully mitigate some of the misunderstandings that occur when couples opt to take a break, such as the infamous Friends episode when Ross and Rachel argue about whether he cheated during one of their “breaks.” Some people assume separation means they are heading toward divorce while others hold onto hope that the relationship is not over. “Therapeutic Separation” aims to reduce some of the challenges by determining the boundaries of the separation, encouraging action and growth, and preventing a lack of clarity regarding the purpose of separation. It requires an intentional, predetermined period of time when a couple chooses to live separately to accomplish several goals following significant conflict or the decision to separate.
The goals of therapeutic separation can include:
Creating safety or reducing volatility in the relationship after separation/divorce has been decided
Making progress on individual issues (substance use, mental health, physical health, etc.) in individual counseling
Learning new social skills and re-integration tools that will be needed post-separation/divorce
Gaining personal insights and engaging in personal growth
Creating greater structure and boundaries in communication and/or ways of relating to one another in a non-romantic way
Learning co-parenting skills that best meet the needs of your children
Creating an overall peaceful divorce process that facilitates mutual respect
Along with the goals of Therapeutic Separation, there are several other factors to consider that will be affected by the decision to separate including finances, co-parenting, household management responsibilities, legal fees (if applicable), and more. Effectively exploring the puzzle pieces of your lives together will help determine boundaries and continued involvement/interaction with one another, and can limit discrepancies between expectations.
Some sample discussion questions include:
How long should the initial separation be until we check in regarding our goals or have a decision about divorce?
What are some of the decisions that have to be made about emotional and physical boundaries moving forward?
Are we allowed to date others? Should we discontinue physical contact with each other? Should we text regularly, outside of communication regarding children, the home, finances, etc? Should we meet for progress check-ins regarding the goals of the separation?
Will either party leave the home?
What will access to the home look like? Keeping a key, changing locks, asking for permission before visiting, exchanging child custody in neutral spaces, etc.
What will the co-parenting situation look like?
What will disclosure to friends and family be like?
How will legal fees, consultations, mediations, etc. be addressed?
How will we communicate? Text, email, in person, through attorneys?
How should joint and individual finances be handled?
The answers to these questions should be written into an agreement to be signed by both partners to reduce misunderstandings and communicate mutual agreement regarding the boundaries and goals of Therapeutic Separation. When the aspects of Therapeutic Separation are decided through a collaborative process, it can create a path for personal and relational growth or facilitate decision-making regarding divorce. This experience can be very challenging, and individual counseling can be beneficial to process the decision to participate in Therapeutic Separation. Discernment counseling, a type of brief couples counseling, can also be an effective tool to facilitate decision-making related to separation and divorce.
Consider Individual or Discernment Counseling:
If you are looking for individual or discernment counseling while considering a separation or divorce, a skilled therapist can help with these goals. At Heights Family Counseling, we offer online and in-person counseling.
Begin Counseling in Houston, TX, or San Antonio, TX:
Our team of skilled therapists is passionate about helping you build the life you want. We are value-driven and help people navigate life to make sense of their stories. Together, we ensure they are creating meaning and purpose in their lives. We would love to work with you. Follow these steps to begin counseling in Houston, TX & San Antonio, TX, or online therapy in Texas:
1. Contact our counseling clinic to set up a free phone consultation
2. Meet with one of our therapists
3. Begin individual or discernment counseling