Top 10 Reads of 2019

Written by Michele Dial, M.Ed, LPC 

If you know me as a therapist, you know how much I value bibliotherapy. While weekly or bi-weekly therapy sessions are a valuable gift to yourself and offer the potential for positive transformation, reading books that focus on your specific concern ups the ante, big time. Reading fills in the gaps between sessions to maintain your growth momentum and adds layers of insight and understanding to the work we’re doing together.

I finished many great books this year and gained new perspective about myself and my clients in the process, so choosing only 10 books for this list was no easy task. Essentially, the criteria became twofold: the problems I saw most in my clients over the last year and the relevant books that had the most impact on me in terms of insight and a-ha moments. So here they are, in no particular order – my Top 10 Reads from 2019.

Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff, PhD

This fellow Longhorn (she’s a professor at UT) provides solid research on the positive power of regarding ourselves with the same kindness and compassion we give to others. In addition to her empirical research, she incorporates theory and practice from various spiritual and philosophical schools of thought. At the end of each chapter she tells a piece of her own personal journey as a partner, daughter, mother, and fellow human being.

Notable Quote: “Suffering = Pain x Resistance. …Our emotional suffering is caused by our desire for things to be other than they are. The more we resist the fact of what is happening right now, the more we suffer. …This is how things are. You can choose to accept this fact or not, but reality will remain the same either way.”

Braving the Wilderness by Brene´ Brown

Brene´ Brown is a self-proclaimed storyteller and shame researcher. I’m a fan of her work and have learned much about myself and my work through her books. Braving the Wilderness is a bit a departure from her work on shame and vulnerability. While the cornerstones are always present in her writings, this book focuses on belonging vs. fitting in. It challenges readers to consider the value of authenticity and boundaries over hustling for approval; of being accepted and loved just as we are. It doesn’t get any better than that.

Notable Quote: “Our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”

Also noteworthy: “Pain that is denied or ignored becomes fear and hate. Anger that is never transformed becomes resentment or bitterness.”

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love by Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel Heller, M.A.

This book has wisdom for just about everyone because it sheds light on how we regard and relate to other people. You may notice that there are common patterns across your relationships with people. Attachment theory (John Bowlby, Mary Ainsworth) explains how early relationships with our caregivers shapes how we engage with others, romantic partners in particular, as adults. Attachment styles include secure, anxious, avoidant, and anxious / avoidant (or disorganized). Once you understand your attachment style, this book offers sound advice on how to choose partners with whom you can form a secure bond and maintain a healthy relationship. Which style are you?

Notable quote: “Attachment principles teach us that most people are only as needy as their unmet needs.”

 The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity by Esther Perel

Sadly, infidelity is a relatively common issue I encounter as a therapist. Perel wrote this book to inspire exploration into modern relationships in all their varied splendor, and how we arrive at and experience infidelity. Perel has profound insight and wisdom about relationships, and a remarkable way with words. One of my favorite aspects of this book is how she speaks about subject matter that is not new. Esther Perel is not a researcher; she is a therapist, and her expertise on the relationships is based on decades of experience and anecdotal data. This read is so enlightening that I almost want to prescribe it to couples before they experience infidelity. My hope is that early exposure to the wisdom that most couples gain in hindsight has the potential to prevent betrayals of boundaries and trust.

Notable Quote: “Monogamy confirms our specialness. Infidelity shatters it.”

The Power of Meaning by Emily Esfahani Smith

Smith challenges the conventional pursuit of happiness, calling out the tendency to still end up feeling disconnected and discontented despite our best attempts, likely due to our definition of happiness. Her perspective? The real goal for sustainable fulfillment is meaning. On her quest to understand how people from all walks of life find meaning, Smith shares the stories of a mystical Sufi group, a transformed prison inmate, an injured athlete, a young cancer patient, and a host of other real-life characters she encountered. Her research reveals four pillars of meaning: belonging, purpose, storytelling, and transcendence.

Notable Quote: “Living purposefully requires self-reflection and self-knowledge. Each of us has different strengths, talents, insights, and experiences that shape who we are. And so, each of us will have a different purpose, one that fits who we are and what we value – one that fits our identity.”

Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan J. Elliott

As you dive into to this time-tested jewel, you may be struck but some outdated references, such as My Space. Don’t let these small details derail you – this book is packed with empathy, insight and wisdom into the heartache and rebirth after a breakup. Elliott also provide excellent tools for personal growth, including an extensive relationship inventory and personal inventory, as well as a healthy section on boundaries, all of which can lead you toward more secure and fulfilling future relationships.

Notable Quote: “Don’t allow your emotions to lead you around and decide what you’re going to do. Be the leader in your old life.”

Also noteworthy: “Don’t put your standards to a vote.”

Alternate Breakup Read: If you prefer a more relaxed and sometimes humorous approach to working through heartache and rediscovering you, check out It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken by Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt.

The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships by Harriet Lerner, PhD

As the title indicates, Lerner focused solely on women and their intimate relationships (all of them, not just romantic partners) in this book. She addresses the strengths, pitfalls, and stereotypes of being female, providing a base from which to explore anger. However, many of her insights and strategies (i.e. the Do’s and Don’ts when angry) are universally applicable. She discusses common roles (pursuer, distancer) and patterns (over-functioning, under-functioning) in relationships, and sheds light on the function of maladaptive behaviors as the tactics we use to reduce anxiety. Many times, while helping my male clients work through anger issues, I have pulled strategies from this book and wished there was a gender-neutral version that the men could connect with as well.

Notable Quote: “One of the hallmarks of emotional maturity is recognizing the validity of multiple realities and understanding that people think, feel, and react differently. Often we behave as if closeness means sameness.”

Also noteworthy: “To simply let something go can be an act of maturity. But it is a mistake to stay silent if the cost is to feel bitter, resentful, or unhappy.”

Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily Nagoski, PhD & Amelia Nagoski, DMA

The Nagoski sisters provide an excellent take on how our bodies instinctively react to stress, and thoroughly explore the long-term effects of unanswered stress, including problems with all the major systems in our bodies – cardiovascular, digestive, immune, musculoskeletal and reproductive. Our genius physiology includes an automatic threat response system you my recognize as fight/flight/freeze. Completing the stress cycle is a primal need that signals the body that you are safe and can return to a state of relaxation. The most effective way to complete the stress cycle is moving your body for about 20-60 minutes a day. Looks like the girls of Grey’s Anatomy got it right with their dance-it-out ritual following a hard day or an emotional blow. Other ways include controlled breathing, social interaction, laughter, physical affection, crying, and creative expression.

Notable Quote: “’Wellness’ is the freedom to move fluidly through the cycles of being human. Wellness is thus not a state of being; it is a state of action.”

The Body Keeps the Score – Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk, MD

One of the most tragic realizations of my career as a therapist is the staggering prevalence of trauma. Bessel van der Kolk is a psychiatrist, professor, researcher, and mastermind of healing trauma. This book is the culmination of his decades-long exploration of the widespread effects of trauma and a broad range of treatment options, each of which he tried for himself in order to truly understand the function and efficacy of a treatment. If you or someone you know has endured a traumatic experience, this book can help you understand how that experience impacts one’s life, and how to restore wellbeing and inner peace.

Notable Quote: “Trauma, by definition is unbearable and intolerable. … I wrote this book to serve as both a guide and an invitation to dedicate ourselves to facing the reality of trauma, to explore how best to treat it, and to commit ourselves, as a society, to use every means we have to prevent it.”

The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel, MD and Tina Payne Bryson, PhD

Siegel and Bryson do an excellent job of breaking down the scientific intricacies of brain development into tangible, digestible information we can actually wrap our heads around. They distinguish between the right and left hemispheres, and the upstairs and downstairs areas of the brain, and explain how brain development over the course of our lives impacts and informs a child’s behavior. This understanding adds new dimension to the toddler tantrums, the endless “whys” and the moody adolescent. Then they give us loads of strategies to use in order to connect, relate, and teach our kids how to understand themselves and their emotions. Bonus: it’s good insight for adult brain functioning and behavior, too.

Notable Quote: “Your goal is to help your kids take the troubling experiences that are impacting them without their knowledge – the scattered puzzle pieces in their minds – and make those experiences explicit so that the whole picture in the puzzle can be seen with clarity and meaning.”

If you think adult therapy could benefit you in the new year, contact us for a free consultation.