Reframing Negative Self-Talk
WRITTEN BY STEFF BRAND, M.S.
NATIONALLY CERTIFIED COUNSELOR
LPC-ASSOCIATE
Did you know your brain has a negativity bias? That’s right. Your brain is actually wired to see negative context first and you have to work extra hard to think positively. In some ways, this is a strength because it allows us to best protect ourselves against danger. Although, it can also contribute to a lot of the pain, anger, and burnout we experience in our jobs, our relationships, and other parts of our lives. The good news is that we can change the neurochemistry of our brains by consistently practicing new ways of thinking.
Self-talk is the umbrella word we use to encompass all of the conscious and subconscious thoughts that flow through our minds each day. One of the best ways to boost self-esteem, battle depression, and mitigate anxiety involves focusing on your self-talk and controlling any distorted or irrational thinking that takes place. It’s hard work, but it is imperative to the management of your mental health.
When you find yourself focusing on what is wrong, try to get in the habit of identifying which type of thinking pattern you are using. Self-awareness is advantageous to reframing work. Better understanding undesirable thoughts allow you to change them into more rational and encouraging messages. Negative self-talk usually falls into the following categories.
Black-And-White Thinking
You might also know this one as all-or-nothing thinking. This happens when you are only capable of thinking in extreme ways. The gray does not seem to exist. Maybe you were recently rejected by someone that you love. Instead of owning and processing the temporary pain, your self-talk sounds like, “I am never going to find someone that loves me back.” This is a common feeling but incredibly harmful if you accept it as reality. When reframing this negative thought, don’t just feed your brain with rainbows and sunshine, because intense positivity usually won’t stick. Instead, focus on the objective facts that debunk your negative self-talk. Try something like “I am feeling a lot of pain right now, but I have no reason to believe that I am never going to find love.”
Minimization
This happens when you downplay all your strengths and accomplishments and refuse to give yourself the credit you deserve. “I was only invited because I texted them first and they felt obligated to say something.” Unless someone actually told you this, accepting this as your reality is an expeditious way to damage your self-esteem. It destroys the alternative that suggests someone appreciates you and wants you around them. Look for evidence to disprove this negative thought as quickly as you can. A reframe might sound like, “I have been invited to all of their other parties. I reached out first this time, but no one has said that they don’t want me there.”
Catastrophizing
This happens when you magnify the negatives and blow problems out of proportion. You dwell on the negatives instead of trying to fix your problem or move in a forward direction. “I let my boss down, so I should probably just quit.” To reframe this one, you might try to look for evidence that suggests things can get better and quitting is not your only option. “Everyone makes mistakes at this job and I have watched other situations get better with time.” Be open-minded and make it your own.
Personalization
I reflect this one in session all the time. Personalization is when you accept responsibility for anything that goes wrong, even situations outside of your control. “I did not get that job offer because I am not smart enough.” Maybe. Or, maybe you are incredibly smart, and that position was filled before you made it in for the interview. Maybe the chosen hire is also really smart and said one thing that made them more relatable to that specific interviewer. Maybe the salary you are needing is above the company’s budget. Maybe the interviewer was looking for a particular specialty or experience that you did not have. Maybe it is not about YOU at all and more about everyone else in the dynamic. When you find yourself guilty of personalizing information, be intentional about including the whole picture in your reframe. In this example, you might say something like, “there are so many variables that play a part in the hiring process and I don’t have enough information to believe this is a reflection of my intelligence.” Neutrality is key.
Mind Reading and Jumping to Conclusions
This is very characteristic of anxiety. It is where we fixate on worst-case scenarios by default. Sometimes we assume others are negatively judging us without valid reasons. We negate others’ words and beliefs and accept our fears as reality. I have watched this one manifest in my personal and professional life. “He did not make it into town for my birthday, but he did make it for our other friend’s baby shower. He must like our other friends more than me.” This can become heavy and damaging for you and your friends if you do not prioritize reframing the thoughts. Try, “he did not say that he does not like me or value our friendship. I am feeling a little jealous, but I know his schedule is busy this year and choosing only a few events to attend might be really hard on him too.” Give others the benefit of the doubt unless the objective evidence says otherwise.
Labeling
This occurs when you assign yourself mean names and focus more on your character than the behavior or event. Making a mistake on an exam becomes, “I am such an idiot.” Being interrupted during a meeting is interpreted as, “I am incompetent.” Being the last one to show up to your son’s soccer game means, “I am an embarrassment.” Using harsh labels to describe your character or abilities in life is not only damaging to your self-esteem, but it does not empower you to change your behavior in the future. Try to reframe these negative thoughts with positive reinforcement that allows you to only accept the hard facts. “I made a mistake on that test, but I got most of the other questions correct and I can be proud about that.” “My boss interrupted me, but we were running out of time. His choice to close the meeting might have nothing to do with me.” “I got to the soccer game later than planned, but my son started smiling as soon as he saw me. In addition to everything I accomplished at work today, I made a positive difference in his day.”
Continuously thinking in negative ways creates a pessimistic attitude that makes it hard to feel good and share good with others. Doing this also sets yourself up for failure because irrational fears can become self-fulfilling prophecies. Working hard to monitor your thinking patterns and consistently reframe your negative thoughts allows you to maintain healthy self-esteem. It also allows you to be a better partner, a better mom or dad, a better worker, and a better friend. Choose your thoughts wisely, and if necessary, ask for help.
SERVICES STEFF OFFERS AT HEIGHTS COUNSELING
Steff offers a variety of mental health services for kids, teens, and adults at our Houston Heights Therapy Clinic. Her mental health services include: child counseling, play therapy, adult therapy, depression treatment, anxiety treatment, therapy for stress and burnout, sex therapy, trauma treatment and EMDR, couples counseling, premarital counseling and counseling for life transitions. She also offers online therapy in Texas to meet your mental health needs when you can’t make it to our therapy clinic. To learn more, please contact our counseling office.