Boundaries Build A Better You

Written By Michele Dial, LPC

As Robert Frost writes in his poem Mending Wall, “Good fences make good neighbors.” It’s a metaphor for relationships (all kinds) that I can definitely get behind. Boundaries are our metaphorical fences, and they come in several shapes and sizes. They can be rigid, like a stone wall – literally nothing is getting through. In relationships, rigid boundaries hinder connection and closeness by keeping everyone at a distance. The opposite extreme, porous boundaries (perhaps a picket fence – more for show than function), don’t offer any safety and open us up to being taken advantage of by allowing anybody and anything into our personal space. Balanced, flexible boundaries might look like a good privacy fence with a gate – just the right amount of protection and the option to invite people closer. These healthy boundaries allow us to protect our privacy and personal wellbeing while simultaneously fostering closeness with people we choose to have in our lives.

This is where your gut comes into play. Everyone’s values, and therefore boundaries, are subjective and vary in conjunction with one another. According to Nancy Levin, life coach and bestselling author, your limits are already inside you; you just have to tune into them. Identifying and setting boundaries is about finding the balance between your desire to give, help and be close to others, and your personal limits to keep you feeling invigorated and enriched instead of drained and bitter.

Sometimes that’s easier said than done. Even with all the best intentions, that balance often feels elusive. Even when we try to set boundaries, they sometimes can get crushed . . . by others and even by our own selves.

We typically experience two types of boundaries crushers – doing or giving beyond our limits, and allowing or accepting behaviors from others that infringe on our personal time or space.

BOUNDARY CRUSHER #1 – Everything to Everybody

We are not superhumans, but we are super humans. People are pretty amazing, flaws and limits included. Sometimes it seems that one of the hardest truths my clients face is that they simply cannot be everything to everybody. They (ahem . . . we) want so badly to give everything and serve everyone so much so that they overextend themselves until they are exhausted and ultimately resentful. We have a limited number of hours in the day and limited fuel in the proverbial tank. The harsh reality is that we WILL run out of both time and energy. We will need to restore and refuel, and that requires us to make space for rest and enrichment.

BOUNDARY CRUSHER #2 – Allowing Disrespectful Behavior

Another area of boundary crushing I witness is people accepting behaviors from partners, friends, family members, coworkers, and even perfect strangers that are less-than-respectful at a minimum, and at times, outright abusive. Another hard truth: People will only take advantage of us to the extent that we allow it. They can only take what we choose to relinquish. And it is a choice, no matter how begrudging. Even though we’re not asking for and don’t want the behaviors, if we’re not saying no and setting boundaries, we are voluntary participants in boundary crushing.

Often, a desire to be liked and accepted is at the heart of these boundary crushers. If we accept anything people throw at us, say yes to every need we encounter, indulge every request that comes our way, surely those people will approve of us, right? Surely we will prove our value to the world, right? Sometimes these beliefs are not even in our awareness. If this line of thinking sounds foreign to you, you may be a boundary rockstar with a solid sense of self-worth. Or it may be a subconscious experience that you haven’t tapped into yet.

All humans have a desire to be liked and accepted – it’s part of our human nature. It’s normal, and we don't need to shame ourselves or try to abolish our basic human instincts. But we do need to understand them and make intentional, healthy choices about how and with whom we seek acceptance.

This desire for love and belonging only becomes problematic when the opinions of others become the basis of self-worth. We get into this dangerous territory when we say yes to favors we don't have the bandwidth to deliver in order to make someone else happy. Or when we accept disrespectful behavior because we don’t want to risk losing approval if we call someone out on it. Brene´ Brown, researcher and bestselling author, calls this practice hustling for our worth. When we’re hustling for our worth, when our driving force is seeking approval, we’re not respecting ourselves. We are not giving from a healthy, kindhearted place. We are not in a service mindset. Giving becomes more about building ourselves up in someone else’s eyes than about helping. And accepting poor behavior is more about shrinking to protect someone’s feelings or wants than protecting our value.

Right about now, you might be wondering how the heck you’re supposed to make people stop crushing your boundaries. The answer is yet another hard truth – we can’t change other people. We can’t control what they do. But we can control how we respond to them and the degree to which we engage with them.

This is how we crush our own boundaries . . . by saying yes when we want to say no.

When we say yes or don’t say no, we are setting expectations and perpetuating uncomfortable or unmanageable patterns. Conversely, when we are able to tune into our personal, internal limits and choose to give of our time and other resources within those limits, we tend to feel uplifted and at peace. When we are selective about what we say yes to, we are able to give genuinely from the heart.

Setting boundaries with the people in our lives – building fences, if you will – communicates the limits of what we are willing to do, what we are willing to accept, and what we will do to take care of our own wellbeing. This might look like volunteering to sew costumes for your child’s play, but declining to bake five dozen cookies for the school’s bake sale. Or saying yes to volunteering once per month, but no to once per week. Or only meeting for cocktails after your regular workout. Or reserving Sundays for family time or spiritual practices. In order to identify your limits, it helps to explore what you value most in life and identify what you need to preserve in your life to fill your tank and maintain a sense of peace.

Boundaries are about being a good steward of our resources and maintaining reserves for the most important causes and people in our lives, including YOU.

Boundaries are about refusing to accept the behaviors of others that feel like infringement or disrespect.

Boundaries are about protecting our sense of self and our personal space – physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Boundaries are about tuning into our values and living in alignment with them.

Boundaries are about deeply knowing our intrinsic worth so we’re not looking to others for confirmation.

When you’re ready, choose and set them wisely because boundaries only work if you are willing to stick to them yourself.

Wanna know more about the how? Check out these insightful and empowering books on setting healthy boundaries.

Essential Reads on Boundaries

Setting Boundaries Will Set You Free by Nancy Levin

Renovate Your Relationships by Scott Vaudrey

If you’re struggling with setting boundaries, adult therapy can help. Contact us today to learn more.