The Life Cycle of a Relationship

Written by Amy Rollo, M.A., LSSP, LPA, LPC-S

Founder, Heights Family Counseling

Falling in love is so much fun. It’s so much fun in fact, that you actually become addicted to it; while falling in love, your brain releases chemicals, such as vasopressin, adrenaline, dopamine, and oxytocin that allow you to feel pleasure and a euphoric sense of purpose.

According to IMAGO therapy, there are 5 stages of a relationship. The first stage is unconscious and is the Romantic Love- the addictive falling in love feeling. It feels so good, we want to keep feeling this way forever. Unfortunately, this stage usually only lasts 3 to 6 months. However, an interesting discovery is that when people move through relationships quickly, this romantic love tends to become shorter and shorter. Because romantic love is addicting, many individuals bounce from relationship to relationship chasing that feeling, and feeling like their partner wasn’t the “one” when the feeling quickly fades, as it should.

The second stage of a relationship is where I typically meet most couples. It is the reactive Power Struggle stage. The “high” of the Romantic Love has ended. During this phase, the narrative of the relationship, the story you tell yourself, shifts from seeing your partner through a positive lens to a negative. It is interesting because the things that your partner did that you fell in love with, suddenly drive you crazy. Maybe you loved that they checked on you throughout the day, and now you find it controlling. Or their spontaneity suddenly feels impulsive.

During this phase, many couples get in different patterns or cycles. Maybe one partner pursues, trying to elicit a connection or response from their partner, while the other withdraws avoiding a fight. The more one withdraws, the more the other pursues, and vice versa, and round and round we go.

Another pattern is having high conflict, big fights. The fights erupt with insults and yells, only to lead to a powerful make-up and sometimes even make-up sex. This can be an effort to find the “high” from the romantic relationship, but instead the behavior only continues a cycle of great lows and highs.

Some couples find themselves playing court. They argue about who was right and build their case, only to be so consumed in why they are right that they completely disregard what their partner is saying. And round and round they go.

Lastly, many couples find themselves in a pattern of living separate lives. They have lost interest in the fighting and have both withdrawn emotionally from the relationship. They see this as a better option than the endless fighting.

There is one way out of the Power Struggle stage, and it is moving to the next stage of intentionality where you Recommit to the relationship. During this stage you remember the caring acts you previously did, you create a new vision of your relationship, and learn to validate and empathize with your partner’s perspective. You discuss triggers and use conflict to heal and grow instead of to tear one another down.

Using some of Dr. Gottmans’ approach, couples can use the magic ratio in the relationship. The ratio is 5 positive acts to every 1 negative creates a healthier relationship. Using your partner’s love language, you can intentionally show love. Couples can also use rituals in order to spend more quality time together - a couple needs almost 6 quality hours together a week to feel more connected. Love maps, the knowing of your partner’s inner world, create a stronger bond and emotional intimacy. These are some of the tools couples use in the Intentionality Stage of recommitting and getting out of the Power Struggle.

Out of the Intentionality stage a couple emerges into a more Conscious Love. During this time, they do the acts in the Intentionality stage, but it becomes more natural and automatic. They seek to understand their partner and to learn more about their world.

The last stage of a relationship, if the couple can make it through, is the conscious Real Love stage. It might feel similar to the romantic love, but it is a conscious love, a deeper and more meaningful love. This is what we are truly seeking when we say “I do,” but it takes work and effort. You have to be willing to let your guard down, to be vulnerable, to trust your partner, and put in the work to get there. You cannot skip straight to real love, and real love takes work to stay in it.

If you find yourself exhausted from different power struggle cycles, know that this is normal for every couple. However, it takes work for a couple to make it through. Couples counseling can provide the tools and support to make your way through the relationship stages. It can be a gift to the relationship. Contact us today to set up a free consultation.

Amy Rollo  is a triple licensed psychotherapist. She owns a large group practice located in  Houston, Texas. Amy holds a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology from Texas A&M University and a Master’s degree in Clinical and Counseling Psychology from Southern Methodist University. She is currently completing her dissertation in the field of Marriage and Family Therapy. Amy specializes in family and relationship issues, with over 15 years of experience in play therapy, parent support, work/life balance, and marriage counseling. Amy is an avid blogger and writes for many national mental health and parenting blogs, including HuffPost in the UK and in the United States. Her company's blog has been named Top 100 Counseling Blogs and Websites for Counselors in 2020. Read her bio here https://heightsfamilycounseling.com/team/amy-rollo