Let’s Talk About Sex After an Affair
Written by Amy Rollo, M.A., LSSP, LPA, LPC-S
Doctoral Candidate, Marriage and Family Therapy
Owner, Heights Family Counseling
Let’s talk about sex…Now that I have everyone’s attention, let’s really talk about sex. When a marriage is going through a dip, I often hear from my clients that their sexual intimacy also suffers. It makes sense because sex requires vulnerability with our partner. It requires one partner to put themselves out there to initiate with the knowledge that they could be rejected in their bid for intimacy. It also requires both partners to let down their guard and unite in the most intimate and vulnerable manner. This can be a lot when the relationship is experiencing conflict or distance.
For many couples, feeling insecure about the relationship leads to sex suffering. After an affair, sexual intimacy presents in many different ways. There is no exact formula for how one partner will respond to the relationship betrayal, but for many this reaction can change throughout the healing process. No matter what is happening in your sex life after affair, please know it is normal and no state will last forever.
It is not uncommon for the amount of sex to actually increase after an affair. There are a lot of reasons for this, but one reason is that the couple is feeling insecure in their relationship; they are looking for anything to help connect and send a signal that they are okay. Other times, sex and romance heats up, and actually becomes better. You might find yourself engaging in fantasies, trying out new positions, and branching out of the old sex habits and engaging in new exciting sex acts.
Our Certified Sex Therapist, Katie Mitchell at Heights Family Counseling, wrote in her article Sexual Intimacy After an Affair, the reason for the “better” sex can often be fueled by the fear of their partner cheating again. The betrayed partner may feel the need to provide better sex in order to prevent future betrayals. They might even be comparing themselves to the other person, or fearing their partner is comparing them. It’s okay for sex to increase or heat up after an affair as long as the couple doesn’t neglect working on their emotional intimacy, repairing the relationship, and healing their relationship that is necessary after an affair. Plain and simple, sex alone will not heal and rebuild the relationship .
It’s also common for sex to become obsolete after an affair or betrayal. It’s not uncommon for the betrayed partner to experience PTSD after learning of an affair. They may have images of the affair or intrusive thoughts regarding their partner’s infidelity that intensify while being sexually intimate with their partner. Their trust in their partner has eroded, so it’s not surprising if a person does not feel comfortable being completely vulnerable with their partner. Other times, a person may feel like if they resume sex again that their partner will assume everything is “okay” and forgiven and they fear sending that signal.
Affair Recovery Counseling is usually necessary to help couples navigate the aftermath of the betrayal. The relationship will need to be rebuilt and strengthened. Emotional intimacy often has to be worked on in order for physical intimacy to occur.
What you can work on outside the counseling room is letting the betrayed partner know that you are sorry. Constantly check-in on emotions, apologize, and discuss how your partner is doing. The worst thing that can happen in a relationship after an affair is to ignore the hurt emotions and not talk about it; sweeping everything under the rug is not the cure or answer. The next step a couple can do after an affair is to be completely open and honest. This doesn’t mean that you share physical details of the affair, but you are able to answer the questions your partner has about it, such as when did the affair start, where did it happen, and how long did the affair last. Again, it’s important that the partner shouldn’t hear intimate details of the sexual acts, as this can lead to trauma and images of it. Next, trust needs to be rebuilt by allowing for monitoring and verification. Because anxiety is high and trust is low for the betrayed partner, it is not uncommon to share passwords to phones, allow to monitor text messages, etc. These actions help lower anxiety and eventually build trust. Make sure to show your partner you love and care about them. Love is an action. The relationship will need to be rebuilt through this action intentionally. Last, take the pressure off of sex. None of the described sex states above will last forever. Your sex life could be on a rollercoaster of ups and downs, could feel like it is heating up like a sauna, or it could cool off completely for a while. Allow for you both to heal, rebuild trust, and know that sex will resume.
If you are ready to heal and rebuild your relationship, feel free to book an appointment.
Amy is a Licensed Professional Counselor Supervisor and owner at Heights Family Counseling. Additionally, she is able to practice psychology independently in the state of Texas as a Licensed Psychological Associate with Independent Status and is Licensed as a Specialist in School Psychology. Amy holds a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology from Texas A&M University and a Master’s degree in Clinical and Counseling Psychology from Southern Methodist University. She is in the process of completing a doctorate degree, studying at Texas A&M University Commerce and Northcentral University, specializing in child and adolescent counseling and marriage and family therapy, respectively. In addition, Amy has additional training in IMAGO Relationship Therapy, doctoral training in sex therapy, and has completed the entire 3 levels of Gottman Couples Therapy, as well as the additional training intensive of Gottman Treating Affairs and Trauma. Amy holds three licenses in the state of Texas: Licensed Professional Counselor Supervisor, Licensed Psychological Associate with Independent Status, and Licensed Specialist in School Psychology, as well as doctoral candidate in Marriage and Family Therapy- PhD(c).